I wanna go to Hawaii

Sometimes it gets me down. I won't say what that thing , or more likely the "reality" is , though. It just gets me down very badly. I don't get myself to think about it much, I think I run away from it, I don't REALLY want to face it. I choose the easy way, I act cheap and I just shut my thoughts and focus on something toootally unrelated.

As days pass, it gets harder&harder to see which path is right for me... what I need to do in this situation... what I need to do to be happy ever after on this issue... Maybe I should choose the darker path, the one that seems darker than the other. But which one is? Everything seems blurred in this situation, every path I decide to choose is not right. So should I continue with it or without? Should I listen to my heart and say screw the rest or should I be logical and turn my emotions off? So hard to decide, so hard to make a move.

They say everything has a reason, well, I bet that's a fact but then I get to thinking, what's the reason for this? Why is it so God damn hard to see the reason behind this? Why me?

Sometimes it gets me down. Sometimes it gets me down badly.

B.

Jet-lagged

I'm back to Turkey. It feels warm&cozy and all but also weird. My trip was quite tiring and annoying, it is sometimes hard to believe there are so many dumb people in the U.S. Well, not only U.S but there is a bigger amount of dumb people over there. I think it's fault of the t.v and therefore the lazyness that's been planted in them through t.v. I feel kinda better here in Turkey because our people at least use their brains a bit to think stuff for themselves rather than letting others think&decide for them. Dumbness is something I cannot deal with very well. Dumb people just annoy the hell out of me.

And the hostesses at the plane also annoyed me so much! They were all behaving like buddies with everyone or something. I don't travel to find idiotic buddies on the plane, I travel because I want to travel and since I'm a customer you've to behave respectful! GOSH! I'll complain to the airlines. :|

Ah anyways, I was going to talk about my trip and all... I went to Chicago for 2 days and stopped by St. Louis. I reeeeeeeeeeeally liked St. Louis and actually thought about looking at the schools over there also, to apply and try my chance (if there is such thing as chance :P ). I think I will do that tomorrow, tonight I'm tired. Chicago was very nice also BUT crowded and dirty. At least it seemed dirtier than KC and St. Louis to me. I took some nice photos at night and I really wished I had more time to see the city. I think I will do it when I go back to U.S, if I get to go back...

When I think of it, struggling for school and my expenses and all the stuff seems like a burden to me and I say;"I can do it here also" ... And then I get to think of it and realize how I like being alone even tho I REALLY miss my family n my country. It's a really hard decision for me to make but hopefully I will make the best choice and do whatever will be best for me. I need to get myself unattached from so many things / people in order to achieve some good things in this life. Maybe the first is my family. I did this for a year now and I think I should continue doing so. Inshallah I will be able to achieve my goals and do the job I would LOVE doing, which is being a computer animator... Sigh...

I'm feeling hungry. Since I came to Turkey ( it's been 2 days now ) I started eating so often because of the time zone. My tummy is still working with U.S hours and I'm also eating with the hours here and so on. I hope I won't turn into a fat donkey :P I've never been this jet-lagged before, it really sucks. I cannot get sleep, I cannot eat right, I look EXTREMELY tired and all... UGH!

And have I mentioned that I hate dumb people?

B.

Packing up

I'm not crying, it's just been raining... on my face :|

Ok, I shouldn't be silly in this blog entry. I started off with teary eyes and then I said; "Ok control your feelings, there is nothing to cry, start listening to FOTC! " So yeah, it turned me out to a silly mood as usual :P It's kinda good, kinda not. I just sold my mattress and waiting on these other people to come and get my couch. My last 2 days in my apartment, feels cold, sad, lonely, awkward.

They are late for an hour now :| It's making me mad and more impatient. Did I tell that I HATE waiting? It doesn't matter what I'm waiting on. I just hate it.

I have so many things to write down, so many feelings deep inside right now but I feel like there is a big punch on my throat and I cannot let anything out. Uff, I hate these moments also. Seems like there are so many things I hate going on with me at the moment. =/

Bubble is sitting by me on the table , next to my laptop, so it's a good thing. My best buddy here in the U.S is next to me and showing his love and satisfaction by just sitting by me and purring nicely. Ahh, how I love him!

Anyways, the guy and the girl came and got the couch. It was a pain in the butt to take it out (it was a big couch ) but alhamdulillah, we figured it out. Now I have 70 bucks cash, alhamdulillah. Nothing big but still will help me with the bills :P

I'm making some tea and I will enjoy the emptiness of my apartment with my cute kedi.

Life goes on.

B.

Needing my He-Man powers

Well, things are complicated these days. This stupid community college staff told me I need to fax my admission papers and after a few days they said; "you have to mail them to our office, we don't accept faxed documents". What the heck, man?

This is another racket in the U.S, schools... schools at any degree... primary schools, high schools, universities etc. They are all another type of rackets to suck blood out of people. They test your patience so much that you hardly control your rage at times if you are an immigrant. I don't know what kind of pleasure it gives to people when they mess with people who are not U.S citizens.

I mean, come on!

It does not do any good to humanity when you make people suffer with your procedures so much just because they are not your citizens! You have no idea (maybe you have if you are a poor immigrant like me in the U.S ) how many hardships they put infront of you in whatever you wanna do. You have to pay fee for this, pay deposit for that , bring this paper from there, that paper from here, etc. etc. Just a pain in your rear side, nothing else.

So yeah, this school thing is bothering me so much because I will be leaving soon for Turkey.

I don't know if I will be able to get my I-20 before I leave or not.

Well, I will see...

I'm trying to sell my couch and mattress before I leave. That will give me a couple bucks to cover the last bills and stuff. At times like these, I wanna be He-Man, so I can kick these racket-lover-manipulative people's butts.

Anyways, a year has passed before I knew it.

Time flies, indeed.

B.