kendime not

sinirlenmen hiçbir şeyi değiştirmiyor.

karşındaki seni anlamadıkça istediğin kadar sinirlen, üzül, moralini boz, ağla, sızla, hiçbir şey değişmiyor.
"aslında istediğim çok bir şey değil" diyorsun kendi kendine ama nafile. istediğin anlaşılmak ki bu da az bir şey değil tatlım. anlaşılmadığın sürece kaybeden sensin. anlaşılmadığın sürece yalnız kalan, kenara itilen, umursanmayan yine sensin.

kitabın en yıpranmış sayfasındaki en silik karakter olarak göze çarpmaya mahkumsun.

malesef bunlar gerçekler ve bunları kendine sıklıkla hatırlatmalısın.

seni rahatsız eden bir konuyu paylaştığında gösterdiği o umursamazlığı alıp götüne sokmak istiyorsun ama yapamayacağını ikimizde biliyoruz. aslında senin umursadığın kadar o umursamıyor. aranızdaki fark bu kadar büyük ama sen görmemekte ısrar ediyorsun.

hep şarkılardaki gibi mutlu, birbirine aşık, birbirinin üstüne titreyen kişiler olmanızı hayal ediyordun ama onlar da yalan. yok öyle şey senin için. onları hep başkaları yaşar ve sen elindekiyle avunup, avunmayı da geçtim, elindekini baş tacı edip mutluluğun zirvesine çıkmaya çalışırsın. her seferinde düşüşün de bir o kadar hazin olur ama bir vasat güzel sözle apar topar olduğun yerden kalkar ve yine onu başının üstüne koyar, yola devam edersin. sen bu kadar da zavallısın.

seni hak eden biriyle olamayacaksın. o kadar şanslı da değilsin. seni gerçekten seven, sana saygı duyan, seni el üstünde tutan, herkesin içindeyken bile senin gözünün içinden gözlerini ayırmayan biri asla karşına bir sandalye çekip seninle bir bardak çay bile içmeyecek. hep içerleyeceksin bu yüzden kendi kendine.

zamanla kendini sevmemeye başlayacak, hatayı tamamen kendinde bulacaksın. bu noktaya geldiğinde zaten aşktan meşkten hevesin geçmiş, insan sevgin sıfırlanmış olacak. seni buraya getirenlere lanet edeceksin. baş tacı ettiklerine her gün ah edeceksin ama iş işten geçmiş olacak. onlar çoktan başkalarını, hak etmeyenleri baş tacı etmiş olacaklar. onların üstüne titriyor, onları el üstünde tutuyor, onların gözlerinden gözlerini ayırmıyor olacaklar.

sen yine kaybedeceksin.

hak ettiğini bu dünyada bulamayan tek sen değilsin, bunu unutma. ben seni çok seviyorum, bunu da hatırla.

kısır döngü

"Yaşamanın kolay bir yolunu bulur bulmaz buraya yazacağım" demiştim.
Hala bulamadım.

b.

saç-ma

"seviyorum, öyleyse yokum" diye saçmayalasım geldi.

b.

7 gün +1

Gün 1

manavdan çilek almıştım, önünden geçerken kokusu güzel gelmişti ve sen de seviyorsun diye akşam yemeğinden sonra film izlerken yeriz dedim. akşam yemeğine ne yapacağımı düşündüm, güzel olacak.

---

bu abuk şakalarından biri olmalı ya da zayıf anlarından biri.

bu mektup abuk şakalarının veya zayıf anlarından birinin sonucu olmalı.

nefes almalıyım, biliyorum. sayfaları bi kenara koymalı, tekrar okumamalıyım.

nefes al, nefes ver, nefes al, nefes ver…

Gün 2

ablam bizim dairede kalmama izin vermedi bu akşam, onların evine götürdü zorla. istediğim kadar ağlayabileceğimi, sorun olmayacağını söyleyip durdular. yarım saat sonra, İstanbul'un iğrenç trafiğinde radyoda çalan acıklı şarkıya bağıra bağıra ağlamamak için sıktığım çenemin ebem sikilmiş gibi ağrıdığını hissettim. daha önce hiç böyle olmamıştım.

ağlayabilirsin de dediler halbuki.

iyi şeyler düşünmeye çalışıyordum, başka bi'şeyler, herhangi bi'şey, senden başka, bugün olanlardan başka her ne varsa bu siktiğimin dünyasında onu düşünmek istiyordum. bıraktığın mektup sayfaları ve boş dolap en son düşünmek istediklerimin arasında bile değillerdi ama ilk sırada bunlar vardı düşüncelerimde.

babamı arayıp durumu anlattılar. acaba hiç babamı güldürecek bi olaya imza atabilecek miyim hayatımda diye düşünmeye başladım o an.

benim ismimin anlamı "iyi haber" oysa, ne nerede yanlış gitti bilmiyorum.

Gün 3

"dairemize" geri geldim, kanepeye oturdum, sol tarafını senin için boş bırakır gibi bi halim vardı. duvardaki resimlerimize baktım, geriye yaslandım. duvarlar üstüne üstüne yürür derler ya, yürüyorlarmış. evdeki herşey çantasını toplayıp ben görmeden usulca kaçacak gibi görünüyorlardı gözüme.

içimdeki sel, Nuh'u bile kıskandırırdı.


Gün 4

uyuyamıyorum. insan her uykuya daldığında kabusla uyanır mı? uyanıyormuş. güzel rüyalar da görsem uyandığımda gerçeğimin rüyamdan ne kadar farlı olduğu dank ettiğinde her biri son hızla kabusların en kötüsüne dönüşüyordu. bugün 4.gün, asırlar geçmiş gibi geliyor. kediyi bile görmek istemiyorum. sen bokunu püsürüğünü çantana tıkıp korkakça kaçarken öylece seyretti mi gidişini? nasıl?

sanırım akli dengem senin uçağınla beraber beni terk etti.

Gün 5

işe gitmiyorum günlerdir, kimseyle konuşmuyorum, yemek yemeyi de bıraktım, içimden gelmiyor. herşey aklımdan silinmiş, sadece gidişin var düşüncelerimde. seni artık istemiyorum, evet bu kadar hızlı. ben sadece gidişinin verdiği üzüntüyü de alıp gidebilseydin istiyorum.

kırık dökük bi hiçbi şeyim.

Gün 6

zaman herşeyi iyileştirir derler, zamanla unutursun falan filan.
herşey sonunda iyi olurmuş.
ben daha iyisini hak ediyormuşum.
bu reklam kokan hollywood repliklerini götlerine soksunlar.

Gün 7

nasılsın? biraz daha iyi misin? yazmışsın. ne cürretle?
hayır, değilim.
siktir git.

Gün 8

bunları yazmak beni bir nebze hastalıklı bir şekilde iyi hissettiriyor, artık yazmama kararı aldım.
hayat çok boktan bi film.
benden bu kadar.

knowing or not knowing

how can one survive without knowing? is breathing surviving? is it necessary at all to survive when you don't know what you need to know? what if i never know? what's the point of existence then?

what's so good about me being in this world?

i don't know.

b.

Dark hole

"Even the stars fall! Of course I'll be alright!" was the last thing she said after wiping her eyes on her sleeve in a rush. She knew she was being nonsense, she knew she wouldn't feel "alright" at all, after that day. She knew what was coming to her and she was well aware that her life was going to have a drastic change after leaving that room, after having that last conversation with him.

Her fate was darker than her hair, for sure.

Even though she did her best and never expected anything material out of the relationship she had, she got nothing good in return. It hurt so much that she felt betrayed by God, felt forgotten, felt like all of her prayers were for nothing and they were all unheard in the end. She didn't know how to cope with everything she was going thru, she has never been in the neighborhood of despair before. She had infinite questions wandering on her mind... "What to do now?, How to get out of this dark hole?, How to break these walls of sorrow?, How to feel the heart as a whole again?, How to trust anyone ever again?, Is it even worth trying? Is happiness nothing but a cruel illusion?..."

She thought she'd never ask the cliche "why me?" question to herself in her life because she always thought there was a divine reason behind everything. But this time, it didn't feel like it. it just felt... unfair.

It felt lonely, cold and dark.

There was no room for hope, it was not allowed in this neighborhood. She heard that if you achieve to get out of this place, you might be able to build some new hopes, have new dreams from scratch, feel the healing process that's going thru in your heart and all... they even said that you might hear the word "love" again. But if only she knew how to get out of that place. She had no clue, she was completely lost.

She tried to look up, down, right, left, everything looked the same, just pitch black. Questions started pacing her mind again... "How can you hope for anything in such a place? How can you cope with such a horrible feeling in your heart? Since when people have been so cruel that they can push others into such dark places? Don't they feel sorry for the hearts and lives that they waste?

Don't they have hearts of their own?"

Her mind was a deep desperate well of questions, all of them unanswered.

She felt that breathing was getting harder by every passing minute. Her chest felt so heavy, yet empty. She knew crying wouldn't heal the pain in her heart, nor erase the memories that were lying in front of her eyes. It wouldn't fill the emptiness in the bed that her lover left by her side nor it would bring him back. It wouldn't save her from that dark hole either. But it was the only thing she could do, it was a pain that she wasn't familiar with. Therefore she was not prepared for it and knew absolutely no cure to make it feel better. So, she just cried and cried and cried some more.

No one heard it, ever, not even God.

The art of despair

A: So, what have you been up to lately? It's been a while since I last heard from you, a long while.

B: I'm mastering the art of despair. [pauses for a few seconds] What about you? Why are you calling me after such a long time?

A: Calm down. I've been thinking about us since you've left. I was fine for some time. Honestly, I even felt better during the times when I was with friends, having fun, living like how I used to live before you were in my life. It was a fun summer.

B: Hmmm... you called me to say what a great time you've been having? That's sweet of you.

A: Just calm down, can you? I wasn't done... Yes, it was a fun summer and I needed it after months of hell! Don't get me wrong, you didn't turn it into hell, I did... I was... just afraid. Anyways, when I'm alone, nothing feels really complete, nothing feels how I *think* it should, you know?

B: Honestly?... No, I don't know. I don't fake happiness, therefore I feel the same all the time. It doesn't matter whether I'm around people or not. I welcome the grief in my life, full time.

A: Ohhh, you think I'm faking happiness? If you do, your wrong. I'm not happy. I still feel miserable when I think of us, how I failed you, what I've done to you.

B: I gave you the chance to fix it. I gave us the chance to leave it all behind , I did all I could, well, actually, I did beyond my limits. You refused to embrace the gift. First you wanted it so badly and then you pushed it away with the back of your hand. What do you expect now? 

Uffff, anyways, why did you call me again??

A: Sigh

Are you done?

B: Yup.

A: I don't know why I did. I didn't think it would effect me this much, I mean I knew it'd effect me a lot, you know? But I didn't know I'd be how I'm right now. I thought I'd be ok no matter what. And I'm ok physically but my soul and my heart are far from it. I don't know what else to tell you, my heart is heavy.

B: If you don't know, then don't call me again. I've no answers to give you, not anymore. I'm the one who was left behind, used and thrown away. I can't even help myself, what do you want from me?

A: Umm, can I, one day, come visit you?

B: For what? To see what you've made of me? Would it give you pleasure like it did before?

A: It never did! Stop talking like that, please! I just want... to see you.

B: Sigh

A: Yes?

B: Alright, since I've always been the one who kept promises all the time, I'll do it again. I know I told you that my heart and door would be open to you no matter what. So, I guess I should say "yes" to your question. You can come but with one condition...

A: Thank you! And that is?

B: When you come, don't give no more hopes, promises that you'll never keep. Don't say things that will bring my guard down, once again. Just don't steal me away from myself, like you've done before.

A: I won't. Please be open minded and unbiased, I'm a changed person.

B: Me too and I'll never be the same. Let me know the date you'll be here before you arrive, till then, take care.

A: I'm sorry. You too take care, I love you.

B: [ listens, keeps quiet, hangs up ]

blabbering

Don't you have moments like the only thing you want to do is to push everyone away from yourself? The ones you love the most, the ones that hurt you the most, the ones you miss the most, the ones that love you the most and all... I do. Sometimes this feeling leads me to those dark memories stored in my mind. They pull me into a very dark hole and I can't see anything around me but hopelessness and bad memories. I start cursing those who put me in that hole. I curse in a way that all I want for them is to be in the same hole with me and stay there as much as they deserve. I don't know if this is evil or not. I don't know if I should turn my other cheek and let them take advantage of my good intentions some more or not. But I DO want them to see thru my eyes, feel thru my heart, live thru my memories. I know it's not possible but still... I believe in that splendid justice in life. 

As much as I think of this, I start climbing up the hole, I start seeing less darkness, the shade of black starts to get lighter.I start to smell the refreshing scent of "hope". Everything feels so much better already.Call me evil, call me revengeful, call me whatever you'd like. I don't really care at this point. All I want is pure justice, that's all.

Anyways, I don't know how not to fall into that hole from time to time. I don't know how to kill those memories, how to lock the doors of my mind to them. They're there, fresh and kicking. They're there to suck me in. I don't know how to bury them forever...

I'm weak, I'm just a girl.

2 minutes or so

i sat on the couch for hours and kept crying till i felt like my tears were just not coming out anymore. i was sure that it wasn't because i ran out of tears or my pain was gone or i was done with all the trauma i was going through. it was either because i was too tired to produce more tears or i got numb from crying so my tears just said "screw it" and stopped all together.

i got up to go out and get some food, the first thing that i saw was your slippers sitting next to the door, i felt that tears were trying to come out again, so I walked to the room to get dressed.

when i entered the room i was saying to myself, "i'm done with crying... at least for the following couple hours!" till i saw your tshirt that was laying on the floor which looked like you just took it off and went to the bathroom to take a shower or went out to get something from the store and you were in a rush, or maybe not, because you are not the most tidy person in this planet and we both know that. i said to myself again "don't let this get you down, walk to your closet and get dressed!".

i kept walking and passed by the bed. that's when I saw the earrings you got for me from one of your trips abroad.

first earrings you've got for me.

i tried not to look at them and reminded myself what i promised to myself just a few seconds ago.

i made my mind, i was going to go out and get some food. that's all. just a regular routine. i pulled out a tshirt and a pair of jeans randomly from the pile of clothes i had in my closet. i put them on while trying to think of something, anything, but you.

and finally i was ready to go when i put my hoody on in the end.

it was just after a few seconds that i changed my mind and went back to the couch.

it was when i found a few pieces of almost dead grass that you put in the pocket of my hoody at the park, a day ago.

so yeah, i'm back on the couch.

curtains

"This city is where it all began and it should be the place where it all ends", she said to herself as she pulled her hair to the side of her face with her shaky fingers when looking out of her balcony to the noisy, lonely, brutal city. She was overwhelmed with the idea of a new start, a new set up, a new skin, a new soul, but there was nothing left for her to do anymore. It was time to pack the dishes, fold the clothes in the closets, seperate what was his and what was hers and finally take down the curtains that they put up together months ago. Strangely she's thought of taking those curtains down so many times in her head during the last couple months. She knew what was coming to her, but still she couldn't help but be a good and generous host to the weak, old guest in her heart, called hope. She had hope in her heart during the worst times, during fights, during the unbearable pain she was feeling in her chest at every time he treated her like a worthless being, she still kept that helpless guest deep inside her thinking maybe it'd do some good someday.

It was time to take down the curtains and then she'd be done, she'd be ready to head out to meet her ex-husband-to-be in a few months, to set up the dates and prepare the papers for divorce. Only thing that was there to do was to take down the curtains, and she'd be done. Done with the laughter that they kept in their tiny patterns, done with the words that they listened to when the two of them were talking in their little room, done with the tears that they witnessed during the darkest hours. All would go away if she could just take down those damn curtains and packed them forever.

She felt a heavy burden in her chest and on her shoulders and thought of doing it later, they could wait for another day before they moved the stuff from the apartment, no biggie, right?

---

---

A day later she was back in the apartment and the truck was waiting for her downstairs in the street to load the remaining stuff but it's been a while, the truck driver was getting tense and was honking the horn constantly every other five minutes.

Her sister went upstairs to see what took her so long. She was sitting in the middle of the room and crying desperately, curtains were up on the windows still... Didn't she just say she was going to get them and that was the last thing to do?

Sister approached her and tried to help her stand while holding her from her shoulders, she knew what she was thinking from the way she was sobbing and the way she was lacking breath. She was mumbling something but it was hard to make sense of it, so the sister just kept saying, "it will be alright dear, it will be alright..."

They started walking out of the room after grabbing her purse from the floor. And suddenly sister heard some keys falling to the floor, she grabbed them and looked at the key chain, the key chain had a text on it and it said "love".

bee

sweet faker

hurt, confuse, strangle me

again

wander around aimlessly

knowing you are no good for me

i'm holding my breath

as i walk over your broken soul

i'm holding onto my dreams

as i seal my heart

with sorrow

you'll never be me

you'll never feel the rift

that you left in me

i'm telling you one more time

you're blessed

by not being me

you're blessed

by not feeling the rift in me

i'm looking for serenity

in the closet full of skeletons

i'm reaching out for some sanity

in the land of everlasting lunacy

leave, lie, betray me

don't even say you're sorry

nothing matters anymore

you can't hurt me

and

i can't go down anymore

so, bring it on, my sweet faker

leave, lie, betray me

don't even say you're sorry

no one wins this time
not even you, my dear, deary

hill

i'm walking down the hill
leaving the city of broken hearts
i'm trying to hear your voice
trying to remember your eyes
everything is so blurry
everything is so plain
someone stole the taste
of this sad lonely life
there used to be flowers
there used to be glee
hopeless minds and lost dreams
are now that i can only see
where did everyone go?
why am i on my own again?
infinite questions are wandering
did i just lose again?
i'm still trying to learn
how to stand on my own
i'm still trying to forget
what's happened and what's gone
you said it wasn't worth my tears
you said it was a waste of time
so, i'm leaving this place
i'm walking away one more time

state of mind

i'm at a place where I just stand and watch all the bullshit around me, let myself bewildered by little people's stupidity and shallowness, let them think i'm the fool, let them enjoy their big egos for some more time :) i know, there will be the day, when everything will be exposed, when everyone will get their perfect share of justice, so... yeah... life is wonderful in the end.

zamanin azaldigi, umitlerin tukendigi, sevgisizligin sinirlarinin zorlandigi, akil sagliginin tehlikeye dustugu, ruhun bedenden cok uzaklarda ikamet etme safhasina gectigi bu diyarda tek basima ayakta durmaya calisiyorum.

aksamlari el ele yurudugumuzde yerde olusan golgemizi ozluyorum.

aglamaya bir son vermeli, tekil golgeme alismaliyim.

b.

adsiz not defterine adsiz biri olarak yazmaya basliyorum. duygularimin sabrimla beraber ayaklar altinda ezildigi bu ulkede, bu sevgisiz evlilikte, bu soguk evde yasam mucadelesi veriyorum. bosanma çanlarinin çaldigi dünya evinde huzursuzlugun limitlerini zorlayan, akil dengemi her yarim saatte bir sarsan olaylarla bogusuyorum. sakin kalmaya, sevgi dolu olmaya, anlayis göstermeye, vardir bi hayr demeye calisiyorum.

sabrimin sinirinin zorlandigi ve tum iplerin koptugu bu gunde, arkama soyle bir donup bakiyorum, ellerimde ellerinden kalan kokunun gitmesi icin ellerimi yikayip cantami aldigimla yola koyuluyorum.

yarin yeni bir gun, yeni sabir taslari satin almali, yeni umitlere hayal kurulmali, yasamaya deger yeni seyler bulmali, yine ben olmaliyim.

hayatin sert aromasini hazmetmek icin genis bir mideye ihtiyacim var.

b.

Dress

"I want to wear white again! I want to wear white again like I did on my wedding day, but this time I want the dress of eternity, the dress that I will wear for the last time in my miserable life in this miserable world" , she said, before she closed the door on my face.

And that was the last time I saw her.

That was the last time I talked to myself, honestly.

B.

saçmasapan

bazen çok yazmak istediğim anlar olur ve o anlar genellikle iki kelimeyi bir araya getiremediğim durumlara dönüşür.

aynen şimdi olduğu gibi.

herşeyin kusursuz olmasını istemek gibi bir lüksümün olmadığının farkındayım. herşeyin kusursuz olabileceği bir hayal dünyasınında olmadığını biliyorum.

yinede, bazen, sihirli bir değnek istememek elde olmuyor, ille de istiyorum, ille de istiyorum.

kendimi saçmalamanın sınırlarını zorlamak üzere hissediyorum.

belki herşeyi bir kenara bırakıp kucağımda uykuya dalmak üzere olan kedimin varlığına sevinmeliyim.

hayat göründüğünden daha kolay yaşanmalı , bunun mutlaka bir yolu olmalı. bu sırrı çözer çözmez buraya not etmeye söz vererek bu gereksiz ve bir o kadar da mantıksız blog yazısını sonlandırıyorum.

son.

b.

Voodoo Girl

Her skin is white cloth,

And she's all sewn apart

And she has many colored pins

Sticking out of her heart.She has a beautiful set

Of hypno-disk eyes,

The ones that she uses

To hypnotize guys.

She has many different zombies

Who are deeply in her trance.

She even has a zombie

Who was originally from France.

But she knows she has curse on her

A curse she cannot win.

For if someone gets

Too close to her,

The pins stick farther in.

tim burton

wow

Nowadays everything is changing so fast that it's kinda scary, kinda exciting, kinda nervous, kinda too good to be true. Don't know from which side I should look at it and focus but I hope all will be just well.

I'm at a point that I could never think I'd be at. It's just so so so hard to believe all the things are happening all at once. I hope this won't be like, lending a jar of candies to a kid and then pulling it back when he is about to get one. I hope not. I don't think I'll be able to recover easily. Of course I'll do my best and so on but, this time, wow. 

I want to write so much but I'm at a loss for words.

b.

Observation

Today I figured out one more time that I enjoy upsetting myself. That too on purpose.