Voodoo Girl

Her skin is white cloth,

And she's all sewn apart

And she has many colored pins

Sticking out of her heart.She has a beautiful set

Of hypno-disk eyes,

The ones that she uses

To hypnotize guys.

She has many different zombies

Who are deeply in her trance.

She even has a zombie

Who was originally from France.

But she knows she has curse on her

A curse she cannot win.

For if someone gets

Too close to her,

The pins stick farther in.

tim burton

wow

Nowadays everything is changing so fast that it's kinda scary, kinda exciting, kinda nervous, kinda too good to be true. Don't know from which side I should look at it and focus but I hope all will be just well.

I'm at a point that I could never think I'd be at. It's just so so so hard to believe all the things are happening all at once. I hope this won't be like, lending a jar of candies to a kid and then pulling it back when he is about to get one. I hope not. I don't think I'll be able to recover easily. Of course I'll do my best and so on but, this time, wow. 

I want to write so much but I'm at a loss for words.

b.

Observation

Today I figured out one more time that I enjoy upsetting myself. That too on purpose.

What if?

"What if I wanted to break?"

This is how the song starts and it makes me think.. Yeah, what if? I think I've wanted this for a loooong while and I did manage to do it at some point. But the question is that "is it worth it?"

- I doubt. -

I think you have to let go things in order to move on, to be able to go back and start over, to be yourself again - the one that was not hurt, not torn apart, not f**** up in the head with stupid regrets & memories & all... yeah, one has to let go whatever it is or whoever that person is.

Life is too precious to ruin it with sad memories, sayings like "what if..." , "if only...", "I wish...", "if it were to happen...", etc... But we are too weak to realize this and we just dwell on s*** like this for so long.. so long that it drains you & these stuff become the only thing you can think about. You feel trapped & hopeless & alone. Well, it was YOU who pushed yourself into that dark, pityfull well and you've got to climb up on YOUR own again.

-No one is gonna help. No one can.-

Anyways, enough of my thoughts for today. Maybe.

It's getting freaking cold in Istanbul or it's just me who feels extra cold today, dunno. And when I say extra cold, I mean EXTRA COLD! I will have some magic soup of my mom's. It helps me to feel better ( mentally & psychically ).

Brrrrr...ing B.

I wanna go to Hawaii

Sometimes it gets me down. I won't say what that thing , or more likely the "reality" is , though. It just gets me down very badly. I don't get myself to think about it much, I think I run away from it, I don't REALLY want to face it. I choose the easy way, I act cheap and I just shut my thoughts and focus on something toootally unrelated.

As days pass, it gets harder&harder to see which path is right for me... what I need to do in this situation... what I need to do to be happy ever after on this issue... Maybe I should choose the darker path, the one that seems darker than the other. But which one is? Everything seems blurred in this situation, every path I decide to choose is not right. So should I continue with it or without? Should I listen to my heart and say screw the rest or should I be logical and turn my emotions off? So hard to decide, so hard to make a move.

They say everything has a reason, well, I bet that's a fact but then I get to thinking, what's the reason for this? Why is it so God damn hard to see the reason behind this? Why me?

Sometimes it gets me down. Sometimes it gets me down badly.

B.

Jet-lagged

I'm back to Turkey. It feels warm&cozy and all but also weird. My trip was quite tiring and annoying, it is sometimes hard to believe there are so many dumb people in the U.S. Well, not only U.S but there is a bigger amount of dumb people over there. I think it's fault of the t.v and therefore the lazyness that's been planted in them through t.v. I feel kinda better here in Turkey because our people at least use their brains a bit to think stuff for themselves rather than letting others think&decide for them. Dumbness is something I cannot deal with very well. Dumb people just annoy the hell out of me.

And the hostesses at the plane also annoyed me so much! They were all behaving like buddies with everyone or something. I don't travel to find idiotic buddies on the plane, I travel because I want to travel and since I'm a customer you've to behave respectful! GOSH! I'll complain to the airlines. :|

Ah anyways, I was going to talk about my trip and all... I went to Chicago for 2 days and stopped by St. Louis. I reeeeeeeeeeeally liked St. Louis and actually thought about looking at the schools over there also, to apply and try my chance (if there is such thing as chance :P ). I think I will do that tomorrow, tonight I'm tired. Chicago was very nice also BUT crowded and dirty. At least it seemed dirtier than KC and St. Louis to me. I took some nice photos at night and I really wished I had more time to see the city. I think I will do it when I go back to U.S, if I get to go back...

When I think of it, struggling for school and my expenses and all the stuff seems like a burden to me and I say;"I can do it here also" ... And then I get to think of it and realize how I like being alone even tho I REALLY miss my family n my country. It's a really hard decision for me to make but hopefully I will make the best choice and do whatever will be best for me. I need to get myself unattached from so many things / people in order to achieve some good things in this life. Maybe the first is my family. I did this for a year now and I think I should continue doing so. Inshallah I will be able to achieve my goals and do the job I would LOVE doing, which is being a computer animator... Sigh...

I'm feeling hungry. Since I came to Turkey ( it's been 2 days now ) I started eating so often because of the time zone. My tummy is still working with U.S hours and I'm also eating with the hours here and so on. I hope I won't turn into a fat donkey :P I've never been this jet-lagged before, it really sucks. I cannot get sleep, I cannot eat right, I look EXTREMELY tired and all... UGH!

And have I mentioned that I hate dumb people?

B.

Packing up

I'm not crying, it's just been raining... on my face :|

Ok, I shouldn't be silly in this blog entry. I started off with teary eyes and then I said; "Ok control your feelings, there is nothing to cry, start listening to FOTC! " So yeah, it turned me out to a silly mood as usual :P It's kinda good, kinda not. I just sold my mattress and waiting on these other people to come and get my couch. My last 2 days in my apartment, feels cold, sad, lonely, awkward.

They are late for an hour now :| It's making me mad and more impatient. Did I tell that I HATE waiting? It doesn't matter what I'm waiting on. I just hate it.

I have so many things to write down, so many feelings deep inside right now but I feel like there is a big punch on my throat and I cannot let anything out. Uff, I hate these moments also. Seems like there are so many things I hate going on with me at the moment. =/

Bubble is sitting by me on the table , next to my laptop, so it's a good thing. My best buddy here in the U.S is next to me and showing his love and satisfaction by just sitting by me and purring nicely. Ahh, how I love him!

Anyways, the guy and the girl came and got the couch. It was a pain in the butt to take it out (it was a big couch ) but alhamdulillah, we figured it out. Now I have 70 bucks cash, alhamdulillah. Nothing big but still will help me with the bills :P

I'm making some tea and I will enjoy the emptiness of my apartment with my cute kedi.

Life goes on.

B.

Needing my He-Man powers

Well, things are complicated these days. This stupid community college staff told me I need to fax my admission papers and after a few days they said; "you have to mail them to our office, we don't accept faxed documents". What the heck, man?

This is another racket in the U.S, schools... schools at any degree... primary schools, high schools, universities etc. They are all another type of rackets to suck blood out of people. They test your patience so much that you hardly control your rage at times if you are an immigrant. I don't know what kind of pleasure it gives to people when they mess with people who are not U.S citizens.

I mean, come on!

It does not do any good to humanity when you make people suffer with your procedures so much just because they are not your citizens! You have no idea (maybe you have if you are a poor immigrant like me in the U.S ) how many hardships they put infront of you in whatever you wanna do. You have to pay fee for this, pay deposit for that , bring this paper from there, that paper from here, etc. etc. Just a pain in your rear side, nothing else.

So yeah, this school thing is bothering me so much because I will be leaving soon for Turkey.

I don't know if I will be able to get my I-20 before I leave or not.

Well, I will see...

I'm trying to sell my couch and mattress before I leave. That will give me a couple bucks to cover the last bills and stuff. At times like these, I wanna be He-Man, so I can kick these racket-lover-manipulative people's butts.

Anyways, a year has passed before I knew it.

Time flies, indeed.

B.

Random

So, ummm.. today my work officially finished at the company I was interning at. I will enjoy the rest of my time in the States till I go back to my country. I'm looking forward to go and meet my new nephew, it's gonna be real cool. I'm going to buy my ticket from Chicago so I can go there and see places before I leave...

I need to finish my admission stuff for this community college asap! I'm feeling lazy and kind of like...careless? Don't know what's happening to me.

I feel like I'm changing, becoming less emotional, less caring, more cool with things. I kind of like it because I'm not beating myself up as much anymore.

Time is passing so, SO, fast that it is rather stupid to waste time worrying, being upset or blaming yourself for things and dwelling on each and every mistake you've made. I'm not saying one should forget all his/her mistakes and give a pat on the back to themselves , but, beating yourself up so much is not necessary, not helpful, not achieving anything good at all....

Anyways, I want to buy this digital camera, I will see if I can come up with the money. If I can, it will be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome!!

Oh by the way I watched the new movie of Tim Burton, 9, and it was pretty awesome. Still cannot beat my love for Corpse Bride , tho ;)

I think I will play some Guild Wars, killing some monsters may help me feel better :P

B.

Pissed off

So I'm having one of those nights when I feel all gloomy, hopeless, fed up with most of everything in my life and all... I know everything will be just fine and I have the power to overcome all these puzzles / troubles in my life but it's just... it's just hard sometimes. Seeing so many hopes and dreams shattering infront of me is not a piece of cake to handle, I'm not saying I'm weak to carry this burden but it's just... hard sometimes.

I sometimes wish I'd done a lot of things that I did not, I wish I'd done this , had not done that, I wish I'd said this or that... I wish I knew where to keep my mouth shut, where to "ignore" some things that bothered me so much. Maybe it'd be very different now, maybe I'd be at a totally different place now. But then I think, all these things I've experienced made me realize...

this is what I am...

this is what I wanted...

this is where I want to be...

this is how it's supposed to be...

this is my life and whoever tries to f*** it up should just f*** off and leave me alone.

sometimes loneliness is the cure of the soul and the heart.

b.

First

Well, I think it was time for me to start a new blog after losing my 200+ blogs on Yahoo 360! That was kind of a drag but even though they sent me like 5 warnings before they shut down the blog, I really did not feel like saving any of my stuff that I've published there. I spent a good amount of time and effort in those blogs and had awesome discussions over them with hundreds of people but, oh well... I'm such a person that can be abnormally sensitive and caring over a thing and can have zero interest in it the other day. I don't know if it's good or not but this is what I am. It's not applicable in human relationships in my life, so I think this is a plus.

Annnnyywaaaaysss...

So, I guess I need to mention about myself a little since this is my first blog entry on this new virtual land I start ( not something I have done in any of my blogs but I want this one to be more personal ). I'm a Computer Engineer who is not engineering computers nor chips nor any other kind of hardwares even though the title I had from the university claims that I should be. After I graduated from university I wanted to explore the U.S so I applied for an internship position and got approved. Therefore my adventure started with this internship. I landed on California and then after some business English education at Berkeley, I moved to Kansas City, Missouri to start my internship job. I started off working on some Microsoft based handheld project and then switched to a web based one. Anyways, I won't make it geeky and boring for some of you so I skip the details about my job ;)

Annnyyywaaaaysss...

I had a 9 days trip back to my country because of a ceremony my family was having (which is a big deal because we have goooooood bounds within our family (gotta love that) )and had a great time there with all the people I love deeply and who love me truely under any condition. After that trip, I came back to the U.S to finish my internship so here I am :) In the meantime my interest in graphics and animation have grown and grown. Now I'm planning on getting into this field and becoming a real good one in it. Let's see what tomorrow brings and what kind of new adventures I have in near future. I'm eager to see all.


B.