knowing or not knowing

how can one survive without knowing? is breathing surviving? is it necessary at all to survive when you don't know what you need to know? what if i never know? what's the point of existence then?

what's so good about me being in this world?

i don't know.

b.

Dark hole

"Even the stars fall! Of course I'll be alright!" was the last thing she said after wiping her eyes on her sleeve in a rush. She knew she was being nonsense, she knew she wouldn't feel "alright" at all, after that day. She knew what was coming to her and she was well aware that her life was going to have a drastic change after leaving that room, after having that last conversation with him.

Her fate was darker than her hair, for sure.

Even though she did her best and never expected anything material out of the relationship she had, she got nothing good in return. It hurt so much that she felt betrayed by God, felt forgotten, felt like all of her prayers were for nothing and they were all unheard in the end. She didn't know how to cope with everything she was going thru, she has never been in the neighborhood of despair before. She had infinite questions wandering on her mind... "What to do now?, How to get out of this dark hole?, How to break these walls of sorrow?, How to feel the heart as a whole again?, How to trust anyone ever again?, Is it even worth trying? Is happiness nothing but a cruel illusion?..."

She thought she'd never ask the cliche "why me?" question to herself in her life because she always thought there was a divine reason behind everything. But this time, it didn't feel like it. it just felt... unfair.

It felt lonely, cold and dark.

There was no room for hope, it was not allowed in this neighborhood. She heard that if you achieve to get out of this place, you might be able to build some new hopes, have new dreams from scratch, feel the healing process that's going thru in your heart and all... they even said that you might hear the word "love" again. But if only she knew how to get out of that place. She had no clue, she was completely lost.

She tried to look up, down, right, left, everything looked the same, just pitch black. Questions started pacing her mind again... "How can you hope for anything in such a place? How can you cope with such a horrible feeling in your heart? Since when people have been so cruel that they can push others into such dark places? Don't they feel sorry for the hearts and lives that they waste?

Don't they have hearts of their own?"

Her mind was a deep desperate well of questions, all of them unanswered.

She felt that breathing was getting harder by every passing minute. Her chest felt so heavy, yet empty. She knew crying wouldn't heal the pain in her heart, nor erase the memories that were lying in front of her eyes. It wouldn't fill the emptiness in the bed that her lover left by her side nor it would bring him back. It wouldn't save her from that dark hole either. But it was the only thing she could do, it was a pain that she wasn't familiar with. Therefore she was not prepared for it and knew absolutely no cure to make it feel better. So, she just cried and cried and cried some more.

No one heard it, ever, not even God.

The art of despair

A: So, what have you been up to lately? It's been a while since I last heard from you, a long while.

B: I'm mastering the art of despair. [pauses for a few seconds] What about you? Why are you calling me after such a long time?

A: Calm down. I've been thinking about us since you've left. I was fine for some time. Honestly, I even felt better during the times when I was with friends, having fun, living like how I used to live before you were in my life. It was a fun summer.

B: Hmmm... you called me to say what a great time you've been having? That's sweet of you.

A: Just calm down, can you? I wasn't done... Yes, it was a fun summer and I needed it after months of hell! Don't get me wrong, you didn't turn it into hell, I did... I was... just afraid. Anyways, when I'm alone, nothing feels really complete, nothing feels how I *think* it should, you know?

B: Honestly?... No, I don't know. I don't fake happiness, therefore I feel the same all the time. It doesn't matter whether I'm around people or not. I welcome the grief in my life, full time.

A: Ohhh, you think I'm faking happiness? If you do, your wrong. I'm not happy. I still feel miserable when I think of us, how I failed you, what I've done to you.

B: I gave you the chance to fix it. I gave us the chance to leave it all behind , I did all I could, well, actually, I did beyond my limits. You refused to embrace the gift. First you wanted it so badly and then you pushed it away with the back of your hand. What do you expect now? 

Uffff, anyways, why did you call me again??

A: Sigh

Are you done?

B: Yup.

A: I don't know why I did. I didn't think it would effect me this much, I mean I knew it'd effect me a lot, you know? But I didn't know I'd be how I'm right now. I thought I'd be ok no matter what. And I'm ok physically but my soul and my heart are far from it. I don't know what else to tell you, my heart is heavy.

B: If you don't know, then don't call me again. I've no answers to give you, not anymore. I'm the one who was left behind, used and thrown away. I can't even help myself, what do you want from me?

A: Umm, can I, one day, come visit you?

B: For what? To see what you've made of me? Would it give you pleasure like it did before?

A: It never did! Stop talking like that, please! I just want... to see you.

B: Sigh

A: Yes?

B: Alright, since I've always been the one who kept promises all the time, I'll do it again. I know I told you that my heart and door would be open to you no matter what. So, I guess I should say "yes" to your question. You can come but with one condition...

A: Thank you! And that is?

B: When you come, don't give no more hopes, promises that you'll never keep. Don't say things that will bring my guard down, once again. Just don't steal me away from myself, like you've done before.

A: I won't. Please be open minded and unbiased, I'm a changed person.

B: Me too and I'll never be the same. Let me know the date you'll be here before you arrive, till then, take care.

A: I'm sorry. You too take care, I love you.

B: [ listens, keeps quiet, hangs up ]

blabbering

Don't you have moments like the only thing you want to do is to push everyone away from yourself? The ones you love the most, the ones that hurt you the most, the ones you miss the most, the ones that love you the most and all... I do. Sometimes this feeling leads me to those dark memories stored in my mind. They pull me into a very dark hole and I can't see anything around me but hopelessness and bad memories. I start cursing those who put me in that hole. I curse in a way that all I want for them is to be in the same hole with me and stay there as much as they deserve. I don't know if this is evil or not. I don't know if I should turn my other cheek and let them take advantage of my good intentions some more or not. But I DO want them to see thru my eyes, feel thru my heart, live thru my memories. I know it's not possible but still... I believe in that splendid justice in life. 

As much as I think of this, I start climbing up the hole, I start seeing less darkness, the shade of black starts to get lighter.I start to smell the refreshing scent of "hope". Everything feels so much better already.Call me evil, call me revengeful, call me whatever you'd like. I don't really care at this point. All I want is pure justice, that's all.

Anyways, I don't know how not to fall into that hole from time to time. I don't know how to kill those memories, how to lock the doors of my mind to them. They're there, fresh and kicking. They're there to suck me in. I don't know how to bury them forever...

I'm weak, I'm just a girl.

2 minutes or so

i sat on the couch for hours and kept crying till i felt like my tears were just not coming out anymore. i was sure that it wasn't because i ran out of tears or my pain was gone or i was done with all the trauma i was going through. it was either because i was too tired to produce more tears or i got numb from crying so my tears just said "screw it" and stopped all together.

i got up to go out and get some food, the first thing that i saw was your slippers sitting next to the door, i felt that tears were trying to come out again, so I walked to the room to get dressed.

when i entered the room i was saying to myself, "i'm done with crying... at least for the following couple hours!" till i saw your tshirt that was laying on the floor which looked like you just took it off and went to the bathroom to take a shower or went out to get something from the store and you were in a rush, or maybe not, because you are not the most tidy person in this planet and we both know that. i said to myself again "don't let this get you down, walk to your closet and get dressed!".

i kept walking and passed by the bed. that's when I saw the earrings you got for me from one of your trips abroad.

first earrings you've got for me.

i tried not to look at them and reminded myself what i promised to myself just a few seconds ago.

i made my mind, i was going to go out and get some food. that's all. just a regular routine. i pulled out a tshirt and a pair of jeans randomly from the pile of clothes i had in my closet. i put them on while trying to think of something, anything, but you.

and finally i was ready to go when i put my hoody on in the end.

it was just after a few seconds that i changed my mind and went back to the couch.

it was when i found a few pieces of almost dead grass that you put in the pocket of my hoody at the park, a day ago.

so yeah, i'm back on the couch.

curtains

"This city is where it all began and it should be the place where it all ends", she said to herself as she pulled her hair to the side of her face with her shaky fingers when looking out of her balcony to the noisy, lonely, brutal city. She was overwhelmed with the idea of a new start, a new set up, a new skin, a new soul, but there was nothing left for her to do anymore. It was time to pack the dishes, fold the clothes in the closets, seperate what was his and what was hers and finally take down the curtains that they put up together months ago. Strangely she's thought of taking those curtains down so many times in her head during the last couple months. She knew what was coming to her, but still she couldn't help but be a good and generous host to the weak, old guest in her heart, called hope. She had hope in her heart during the worst times, during fights, during the unbearable pain she was feeling in her chest at every time he treated her like a worthless being, she still kept that helpless guest deep inside her thinking maybe it'd do some good someday.

It was time to take down the curtains and then she'd be done, she'd be ready to head out to meet her ex-husband-to-be in a few months, to set up the dates and prepare the papers for divorce. Only thing that was there to do was to take down the curtains, and she'd be done. Done with the laughter that they kept in their tiny patterns, done with the words that they listened to when the two of them were talking in their little room, done with the tears that they witnessed during the darkest hours. All would go away if she could just take down those damn curtains and packed them forever.

She felt a heavy burden in her chest and on her shoulders and thought of doing it later, they could wait for another day before they moved the stuff from the apartment, no biggie, right?

---

---

A day later she was back in the apartment and the truck was waiting for her downstairs in the street to load the remaining stuff but it's been a while, the truck driver was getting tense and was honking the horn constantly every other five minutes.

Her sister went upstairs to see what took her so long. She was sitting in the middle of the room and crying desperately, curtains were up on the windows still... Didn't she just say she was going to get them and that was the last thing to do?

Sister approached her and tried to help her stand while holding her from her shoulders, she knew what she was thinking from the way she was sobbing and the way she was lacking breath. She was mumbling something but it was hard to make sense of it, so the sister just kept saying, "it will be alright dear, it will be alright..."

They started walking out of the room after grabbing her purse from the floor. And suddenly sister heard some keys falling to the floor, she grabbed them and looked at the key chain, the key chain had a text on it and it said "love".

bee